Thursday, September 20, 2012 @ 9:55 AM 0 stares
Yeah, I know I'm being such a clever here. And you must be curious why I had a boyfriend once. Keith was nothing but just first trys. He kinda made me feel the pleasure of lust. Not love. I did felt chasing over him cause its unfair that he'll just cheat on me like that. I know I don't deserve to be cheated especially by someone like him. Fuck that guy. Now, every guy I know even the masculine one, in my mind is ALWAYS GAY. I don't know. It's just maybe, maybe I think that they would be likely look good in a nice shirt with a simple pants and Vans or any men shoes or I just feel I can do much better when I'm in their place.I don't know. I just think that guys are lame this generation.
Maybe this is the reason why I fell so hard for a girl.
Yes. I'm still not over you. And it fucking sucks. I always want to forget everything between the two of us. Its killing me inside.I want you to be here, near me, talk to you in the phone,help you in your majors, go to your place to have pizza with your sister. But Im scared cause I don't know how, when and where should I start. I don't even know what feelings you have left there for me. Do you pity me? Yes, I think you are. I try to be like a normal friend to you but its just stupid, you always make me weak somehow. Fall down on my knees, Tremble with fear. Kill me in seconds flat. You act so calm like you haven't read this blog, like how I really really felt stupid of you leaving me hanging like this. I can hear you laughing at me. Laughing and even proud cause you have another girl to be madly in love over you. That kind of girl that secretly blogs about you and expecting you'll read it somehow, which you have actually suceeded last month, and devastated cause you really don't give a fuck anymore. You'll just have to brag it to everyone. To your new girl, that "Yeah, she's really inlove of me. Maybe she just can't stand me." and " No, she has another someone else. That's why I broke up to her." And again, you're going to be one hell of a charm. Texting me "hey" messages which gives me tremors and idea that you're keeping in touch but hey, that's just your way of messing my mind again. Maybe I was too far flung from you that you think that Im still going to chase over you. Yes, Im going to chase for you. But this time Im tired. You're there, Im here. We're both struggling with our own lives. Maybe you're right" If its meant to be, It will be." Maybe everything is like that. But you know what, I'd really love and maybe even more contented if you just cheated on me with another girl. Tell me that you don't love me anymore. That you hate me for being so attached to you. For being so ignorant about everything. For being such a scaredy gf for meeting your family and even passing by your shop. For liking Edch. For being so honest to you that it made you sick. For depending on you about everything. For believing that we're going to last cause you said that you're gonna graduate soon and they'll never bother anymore. For loving you that bitter much. For loving me. For kissing me that kind of kiss that made me think I was never happy my whole life. For that dog tag, your all signature for your girls.For that feeling of infinity that I really missed. Not the "I don't deserve you." and "If it's meant to be , It will be." Cause that really hurts more than you think.Right there, at that exact hut. You killed me. I was smiling and I did acted calm, but trust me. I was dead numb for the joke that I thought the whole thing was.
This feeling and everything. That's bullshit. I'll just try to understand and accept that LIFE REALLY IS UNFAIR and that I should know and act better cause I'm stronger than this. I know, I am. Not just this time. I don't know when. But for now, Im scared. Troubled. Terrified. I need you.
We passed by each other awhile ago. You calling me "Hi, Hope" cause you know that I get mad when someone's calls me that. I tried to ignore you but I just pushed myself to really hug you, tight with a little squeeze just to release those raging hormones. I didn't look at you, at all. I just walked away. My mind is numb but bliss. As walking in the hallway, I felt a sudden sting in my wrist part. A red line with bleeding end. And that's when I remembered, You held my hand, grabbed it and then left me a scratch. A scratch by your nail penetrating through my skin.
And I guess, this is just US for now. I wish I didn't say yes to you. We could have been still together this time. But because of that "YES", I guess I deserve this pain somehow.