Sunday, October 7, 2012 @ 11:33 PM 0 stares
“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
That's the fault of letting people come in your life, they always destroy you in the end. No matter how they promised or even made you feel or think that they'll never do. I don't blame them. Im always not enough for everyone. I was always not enough for my parents. That's why I always make my very best in everything. A honor student at school, trying hard fashionista just to follow her way of clothing, joined ballet classes, attempted to have piano and speech class which I always hated to do, Declarative Contests, became a GSP representative and candidate for pagents [ I hate wearing long gowns and even walk like some duck in front of people], Flores De Mayo princess [ and the make-ups and crown] and Tennis. My passion for dancing was my own choice.
My mom wanted me to be like her. And that's why I tried hard to be near perfect, I guess. She saw me that I can do things on my own, that instinct of doing whats should be done. Self sufficiency, if that's what they call it. I have always been self sufficient. The little girl who never needed help with her assignments and always end up having awards every end of school year. Get rewarded and lauded for the ability to take care of business enough. Ever since we were kids, my mom always left me doing things around. Among us 3, I was the only one who got recognized the most. My 2 brothers are the ones she always help and guide the most. My brother was the black sheep and the youngest was the innocent one who needs to be ALWAYS guided. I honestly think that my little brother was spoiled by my mom. My big brother though was always an attention seeker, he always wanted my mom to take care of him. Leaving me, the only girl in the bunch, to do my own shit and stuff. I never ask her to help me, I always tell myself that she'll be proud of me if I get this right. My mom is always proud of me. I know even though she's gone. But because I’ve never learned to ask for support or attention or help, I’m laughably bad at it now – a time when I could badly use all of them.
My dad, on the other hand, always wanted me to do this, pass that, graduate and work after. He's the type that doesn't care about what you'll feel or if even you're safe in this place. I can't blame him if he's not the father-caring-supportive type. I didn't grew up with him. I remembered how I always got scared whenever he comes back home from overseas and calling me "Inday Hope". I mean, he cheated on my mom before and I think I grew up with that grudge intacted on my mind. I saw my mom suffer a lot because of him and even tried killing herself in front of us just because my dad didn't called one night. Up to now, I still think of my dad that way. The way he spend just for her girlfriend and hangouts with friends. As for us, all he knows is if he gets to pay a low price, that where I will and should be. Nothing more. No presents for christmas and new years. No birthday presents. No buying of random and nonsense stuffs cause we have to save up for college.
I even felt the same way to my relatives back at PL. They always wanted me to do the right thing even though I'm already doing it, they'll still find tiny mistakes to any things I do. Getting home late and can't get inside that's why you have to wait until the gate opens. Sleep with the dog and mosquitoes around in that Veranda cause you don't have any keys for the doors. Can't eat cause you're not early for dinner. Can't go with them in trips cause you are not included in their budget. Always discriminate and accuse you of something you didn't do. Put malicious things just for dating a boy or a girl.
And maybe that's why I tend to be dependent more on people who show me the slightest affection. I depend my happiness on them that once they're gone Im just destroyed. This is the second time around that I feel like shutting myself down from life. Yes, that kind of sadness that falls your hair bald. The first one was quite bearable cause he's plain stupid and I even wonder why I dated him and gave him my first kiss. The second one, is still here. It never went away. It's been 5 months already and I still can't figure out why. She told me that I was more than enough for her.For the first time, I saw a person, who loved me with all that's enough in me but at the same time, refused me without saying enough. And that's how I will always understand, I will never be enough for someone. Not for the first boy I cared, not even to the first girl I truly and madly loved.
Always worthless.