Friday, November 9, 2012 @ 5:56 AM 0 stares
Releasing of Grades
S'okay. I admit I was too paranoid that I didn't even think of failing or passing anything but just get this day done already and face a new day by tomorrow. No one loved that day. Everyone was all tensed and irritated about the outcomes. Though I only had 2 majors, I still find it hard to pass one or two but with all the angels and saints and JC above, I PASSED EVERYTHING even Biochem. Everyone cried and was devastated especially my co-mates who'd been with me for the past 3 sems. They all passed their 3 3rd year subjects but failed on Biochem, the 2nd year subject. Ms. Villanueva is a bitch. She should've passed my mates knowing that another failure from a chemistry subject means another year behind from graduation. My mates are going to still continue this sem but I don't know by next year. Im sure they'll be fine without me by they're side. I believe in them a lot its just that VILLANUEVA IS A BITCH JD LAGE! A few passed and yes, IM SO PROUD OF YOU babe. You have no idea how much I wanted to congratulate you. Im just scared so I just didn't. You congratulated me first for passing everything and I swear that DAY turned out to be the best day of the year. Just the thought of you congratulating me through a text was enough already. I even took it as bday gift from you and yean, im lame. Sorry if Im being too short texts syndrome to you, I hope I can find my guts to open up to you soon and maybe, just maybe hoping you'll find me worth to talk to again. I really miss you but I can't do much anything about it, can I? I just really really miss you.
2nd Home
Right after MTLBE finals, I spent the next days playing basketball at Robert's house, swimming with my oh soo 2nd family and at Mamita's crib. I had the most thinking moments there, even playing basketball was too thoughtful that every shoot was like "Will I pass?". The swimming at a CDU student owned pool was the most relaxing and great time to be alone with Mamita and talk about stuffs. We talked about "Will I Pass?" dilemma and the love thing going around and other funny things just to let time pass us by. We even talked about my exes and how they greatly differentiate each other , the worst thing that happened when I was with them and yes, the sexy times. Mamita laughed about the sexy stuffs, she couldn't believe I did such things. She, at the same time, opened up her past relationships and their sexy times.
Joe's 19th Bop
So this one was really the LIFE! I mean, its always Joe's berfday that we all get to loosen up a little. I was too excited days before. Right after enrollment, where Im on sec G with douche and edch and others on F, i decided to stay 2 nights at Mamita's crib to plan out our surprise gift to Joe. We bought a huge card at Blue Magic and designed it with pictures. We also gave her a mint green cupcake cared of Kikoy. We went to Joe's Crib to make Makis and help as much to anything in the kitchen with tita. I was pretty taken aback by Tita's description on me as a pet lover like her husband. Tito bought a german shepherd and a siberian husky so yeah we pretty went along very well. Joe's parents are the best, they're the most supportive specie of parents around. I also loved the idea that they're fridge was very well fed. I had a great dinner with Mamita and Ross and Sonny, who came along a few minutes late and of course the bday girl. And yes, WE DRINK TIL WE GET HYPED GAME came with a bottle of red wine of Carlo Rossi. I was pretty shocked at first cause, its my first time drinking a red wine but seriously I FIND IT VERY VERY GOOD and I did tried to like not go home first cause I still want to drink the whole bottle with Joe and Sonny who seriously drank, Ross and Mamita who was going "No, Baho siya" attitude again. We also let Joe's bro and his friends join and I think Sonny was all toooo hyped up by the idea of me as the B.I. around. Sonny was drinking half glassy more like having a beer around and not a wine. Sonny was fucked up. haha
Velez College Mess
So, I dont have any idea how to introduce you this thing but its annoying, fucked up and just not worth a time spent. The administration vs the faculty and the students rallying. Thats it. They're just really messy. You might as well forget it. I'll be transferring soooon in CDU if this still continues by the way. I'll be seeing her there. haha :)
Sunday, October 7, 2012 @ 11:33 PM 0 stares
“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
That's the fault of letting people come in your life, they always destroy you in the end. No matter how they promised or even made you feel or think that they'll never do. I don't blame them. Im always not enough for everyone. I was always not enough for my parents. That's why I always make my very best in everything. A honor student at school, trying hard fashionista just to follow her way of clothing, joined ballet classes, attempted to have piano and speech class which I always hated to do, Declarative Contests, became a GSP representative and candidate for pagents [ I hate wearing long gowns and even walk like some duck in front of people], Flores De Mayo princess [ and the make-ups and crown] and Tennis. My passion for dancing was my own choice.
My mom wanted me to be like her. And that's why I tried hard to be near perfect, I guess. She saw me that I can do things on my own, that instinct of doing whats should be done. Self sufficiency, if that's what they call it. I have always been self sufficient. The little girl who never needed help with her assignments and always end up having awards every end of school year. Get rewarded and lauded for the ability to take care of business enough. Ever since we were kids, my mom always left me doing things around. Among us 3, I was the only one who got recognized the most. My 2 brothers are the ones she always help and guide the most. My brother was the black sheep and the youngest was the innocent one who needs to be ALWAYS guided. I honestly think that my little brother was spoiled by my mom. My big brother though was always an attention seeker, he always wanted my mom to take care of him. Leaving me, the only girl in the bunch, to do my own shit and stuff. I never ask her to help me, I always tell myself that she'll be proud of me if I get this right. My mom is always proud of me. I know even though she's gone. But because I’ve never learned to ask for support or attention or help, I’m laughably bad at it now – a time when I could badly use all of them.
My dad, on the other hand, always wanted me to do this, pass that, graduate and work after. He's the type that doesn't care about what you'll feel or if even you're safe in this place. I can't blame him if he's not the father-caring-supportive type. I didn't grew up with him. I remembered how I always got scared whenever he comes back home from overseas and calling me "Inday Hope". I mean, he cheated on my mom before and I think I grew up with that grudge intacted on my mind. I saw my mom suffer a lot because of him and even tried killing herself in front of us just because my dad didn't called one night. Up to now, I still think of my dad that way. The way he spend just for her girlfriend and hangouts with friends. As for us, all he knows is if he gets to pay a low price, that where I will and should be. Nothing more. No presents for christmas and new years. No birthday presents. No buying of random and nonsense stuffs cause we have to save up for college.
I even felt the same way to my relatives back at PL. They always wanted me to do the right thing even though I'm already doing it, they'll still find tiny mistakes to any things I do. Getting home late and can't get inside that's why you have to wait until the gate opens. Sleep with the dog and mosquitoes around in that Veranda cause you don't have any keys for the doors. Can't eat cause you're not early for dinner. Can't go with them in trips cause you are not included in their budget. Always discriminate and accuse you of something you didn't do. Put malicious things just for dating a boy or a girl.
And maybe that's why I tend to be dependent more on people who show me the slightest affection. I depend my happiness on them that once they're gone Im just destroyed. This is the second time around that I feel like shutting myself down from life. Yes, that kind of sadness that falls your hair bald. The first one was quite bearable cause he's plain stupid and I even wonder why I dated him and gave him my first kiss. The second one, is still here. It never went away. It's been 5 months already and I still can't figure out why. She told me that I was more than enough for her.For the first time, I saw a person, who loved me with all that's enough in me but at the same time, refused me without saying enough. And that's how I will always understand, I will never be enough for someone. Not for the first boy I cared, not even to the first girl I truly and madly loved.
Always worthless.
Thursday, September 20, 2012 @ 9:55 AM 0 stares
Yeah, I know I'm being such a clever here. And you must be curious why I had a boyfriend once. Keith was nothing but just first trys. He kinda made me feel the pleasure of lust. Not love. I did felt chasing over him cause its unfair that he'll just cheat on me like that. I know I don't deserve to be cheated especially by someone like him. Fuck that guy. Now, every guy I know even the masculine one, in my mind is ALWAYS GAY. I don't know. It's just maybe, maybe I think that they would be likely look good in a nice shirt with a simple pants and Vans or any men shoes or I just feel I can do much better when I'm in their place.I don't know. I just think that guys are lame this generation.
Maybe this is the reason why I fell so hard for a girl.
Yes. I'm still not over you. And it fucking sucks. I always want to forget everything between the two of us. Its killing me inside.I want you to be here, near me, talk to you in the phone,help you in your majors, go to your place to have pizza with your sister. But Im scared cause I don't know how, when and where should I start. I don't even know what feelings you have left there for me. Do you pity me? Yes, I think you are. I try to be like a normal friend to you but its just stupid, you always make me weak somehow. Fall down on my knees, Tremble with fear. Kill me in seconds flat. You act so calm like you haven't read this blog, like how I really really felt stupid of you leaving me hanging like this. I can hear you laughing at me. Laughing and even proud cause you have another girl to be madly in love over you. That kind of girl that secretly blogs about you and expecting you'll read it somehow, which you have actually suceeded last month, and devastated cause you really don't give a fuck anymore. You'll just have to brag it to everyone. To your new girl, that "Yeah, she's really inlove of me. Maybe she just can't stand me." and " No, she has another someone else. That's why I broke up to her." And again, you're going to be one hell of a charm. Texting me "hey" messages which gives me tremors and idea that you're keeping in touch but hey, that's just your way of messing my mind again. Maybe I was too far flung from you that you think that Im still going to chase over you. Yes, Im going to chase for you. But this time Im tired. You're there, Im here. We're both struggling with our own lives. Maybe you're right" If its meant to be, It will be." Maybe everything is like that. But you know what, I'd really love and maybe even more contented if you just cheated on me with another girl. Tell me that you don't love me anymore. That you hate me for being so attached to you. For being so ignorant about everything. For being such a scaredy gf for meeting your family and even passing by your shop. For liking Edch. For being so honest to you that it made you sick. For depending on you about everything. For believing that we're going to last cause you said that you're gonna graduate soon and they'll never bother anymore. For loving you that bitter much. For loving me. For kissing me that kind of kiss that made me think I was never happy my whole life. For that dog tag, your all signature for your girls.For that feeling of infinity that I really missed. Not the "I don't deserve you." and "If it's meant to be , It will be." Cause that really hurts more than you think.Right there, at that exact hut. You killed me. I was smiling and I did acted calm, but trust me. I was dead numb for the joke that I thought the whole thing was.
This feeling and everything. That's bullshit. I'll just try to understand and accept that LIFE REALLY IS UNFAIR and that I should know and act better cause I'm stronger than this. I know, I am. Not just this time. I don't know when. But for now, Im scared. Troubled. Terrified. I need you.
We passed by each other awhile ago. You calling me "Hi, Hope" cause you know that I get mad when someone's calls me that. I tried to ignore you but I just pushed myself to really hug you, tight with a little squeeze just to release those raging hormones. I didn't look at you, at all. I just walked away. My mind is numb but bliss. As walking in the hallway, I felt a sudden sting in my wrist part. A red line with bleeding end. And that's when I remembered, You held my hand, grabbed it and then left me a scratch. A scratch by your nail penetrating through my skin.
And I guess, this is just US for now. I wish I didn't say yes to you. We could have been still together this time. But because of that "YES", I guess I deserve this pain somehow.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012 @ 5:43 AM 0 stares
Monday morning while walking in the
hallway. At the back of my head, I can still remember how Syvelle and Joe mumbled how hard that test was. How
Cinco could possibly gave such type of exam knowing there are a lot of students
failing because of her exam types . How Syvelle didn’t wrote her answers on the
answer sheet right before time. Joe asking me what the answers are and me being
the genius feeling again. While Cha2 and Ross and me just laughed all our
mistakes.
That’s US. It’s like our usual routine. DISCOURAGE, REGRETS, REMORSE. Still we hope for the best. God knows what’s going to happen for the next few weeks.
Not that Im being such a hypocrite or any exuberantly
confident student with passing grades but really, with all honest, I got into days where I just tell myself that “
Well, I did my best in that exam” and times when I just know
right at point that I lacked effort on
that exam. I will never be shock when I
get low scores when at the first place I already knew Im going to get it. I
mean, Yes I do cry because I don’t want
to fail again, I don’t want others to look small on me and I want to prove to them that though Im already an
Irregular, I can still keep up with my majors and f them off with my passing
scores.
I don’t want to be greater than someone else. I just want to be better
than what I thought myself yesterday. I want to be better by tomorrow and the
next day and the next day. Prove to myself that somehow, Im gonna graduate someday. That Im going to have my
own job and help my brother financially. Buy my grandma with dresses. Buy
groceries with my own money. Shop with any regrets. Go to places. Travel. Have
my own DSLR, My own car and place.
I understand how everyone get so pissed off and then cry at some point in Velez. But Fuck discouragements,
fuck crying and thinking over things that’ll only make you unproductive. Being negative. Self procrastinating. Self-pity cause you didn’t get a passing score and still not doing any
improvements at all. Making excuses as if you’re very proud of doing them. You even do more efforts to your boyfriend
than your own book. You know right ahead that you’ve got to adapt more in
studying cause 3rd year is different. But no, you’re still playing
that stupid game as if that’s going to help you in life, reading those manga
comics like they’re going to be real when you fail, being so busy with your
MU-idk-if-real guy as if I fucking believe you. So calm and dependent cause
everybody else is failing that’s why you’ll just let yourself go with the flow.
For a change, grow up! Stop depending on
your parents, stop believing that you’re gonna be okay because your boyfriend will
be there, stop telling yourself that you’re going to fail. For once, think
about your parents. Think how they work hard just to have you in this
institution and probably hoping that you’ll help them soon when they’re old.
Believe in yourself, do better and be productive. Pray a lot. Smile. Take a
break or a nap. Listen to music. Go somewhere else where you can study. Just go
with your guts.
And hey, Drink some MILKTEA. It’ll make you feel better, PROMISE. C:
Friday, September 14, 2012 @ 8:35 AM 0 stares
So it's already Friday of September 14. And yes, Im not studying because Im sure there's no Exam tomorrow except maybe the post exam for Leukocyte Count. But hey, Im procrastinating again.
Okay, so I just remembered those MOONCAKES at Sister of St. Paul Chartres Medical Center. I've been craving a lot of things these past days. It's weird. I just have this sudden urge to go back that place and just maybe, maybe wander there and just experience those days again when my mom was still alive. I loved that place. I spent my half life there, you know. It was like very peaceful with trees and pretty nurses going around and yes, the Nuns walking like some creepy ghost. It is also the place where I told myself that Im gonna be a doctor someday. That maybe, If I get tired I'll just be a Nun. I also saw a lot of Medtechs there but I don't have any idea they were called such. I always think of them as one of the Nurse category or any sucking bloody job. They were all serious all the time. Walk in patient's room and then go straight to the Lab or vice versa. Yeah, they're cool. I never thought I'll get the same course as them. My course is too cool. lol
Soooooooooooo. Ever since my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I had already got into a lot of hospitals in the city. There's VCMC, Miller Sanitarium and Hospital and Perpetual Succour Hospital.The one I really really missed the most is the Sisters of St. Paul Chartres Medical Center. It's a specialized center for cancers. Not that I love it. I hate it, honestly, cause thats where my mom spent her last days and then died at that exact room, hallway where I cried a sea and the place where my phobia for hospitals even got worse. I just miss it cause I used to walk on those buildings and always think, yes my mom is gonna be okay and that she’ll go home with us again and we can go shopping and watch cinemas and what any normal family does. And yes, Im gonna stop now cause Im going to start crying and it irritates my swollen left eye. Gaah, f late nights.
I also missed that MOONCAKES well they’re actually muffins, I guess, at the canteen. Me and my mom both love those mooncakes and other foods there. We used to buy a lot of foods there even though my mom is not allowed to eat those. She's a hard ass. Like me.
I’ll go back there probably this following days and buy some mooncakes or muffins or whatever.
I MISS YOU MOMMY
I MISS YOU MOMMY
Tuesday, September 4, 2012 @ 11:50 AM 0 stares
Room 207. Yes, its a new place. Internet. New Bed. New study table. New closet. New environment. New people. SAME SHIT. EVEN WORSE than Labangon.
It's been 2 months since I started living here and yes, its different. Different in a way cause unlike in Labangon here it's BORING. Boring cause I don't have persons to talk to, No dogs to play with, Have walls that makes you thought of things, Double deck bed which is so hard to climb and NO FOOD.
Person to Talk To
I mean, Im used to this stuff. I got no one to talk to about everything but there's just empty here. I feel like I don't want to talk to Tats cause he's serious. Tiny talks to me but I don't know if I should trust her in some ways. It's hard when you've got no one to talk to inside a room, you tend to be suicidal sometimes cause you think you're not worth a voice for.
No Dogs to Play with
Im an animal lover. I don't understand how Tiny can look that angelicly good and pretty but hates animals particularly Dogs. In labangon, when Im bored I just go outside and play with KingKong and Sparky. Here, I'll just glance at those dogs at the Cebu Vet and think to myself if I could just go inside and play with those dogs or steal one and bring in here. It'll be great having a dog here, I could really get use some company.
Walls
Well, i slept in a double deck-ed bed and unfortunately on the TOP BED. Its hard to climb these things cause you might step on someone's face or worst woke them up while they're fast asleep. Its hard to go down, too cause it makes metal noises. And yes, Walls. You see mate, I see walls in these room. White walls create a different ambiance to one's mind. So the more you see it, the more you think of deeper thoughts. Like one of those rooms inside a psychiatric ward. White walls and there's bed and then YOU. It makes me feel trap always. Like Im not going anywhere cause you're suppose to stay here, study those ass out, cause you don't have enough money to go out and cause you chose to transfer here rather than staying in your Aunt's house. Making you feel guilty about transferring.
FOOD
This. For the record, I was never the patay gutom type my whole life and I think thats pretty obvious by looks of mine. But somehow when I got here, everything is always HUNGRY. I got to find some place where I can fit my small allowance and at the same time get myself FULL. Its hard to study when your stomach is growling and scratching for FOOD always. I really really wish I can eat a lot these days. Everyone's telling me that Im too skinny which makes me look unhealthy and unattractive.
So by the looks of it, yeah I don't like this place. I don't want to be here. I want to stay somewhere I can really feel at home. Like in Asturias. I miss Labangon. But I can't go back there cause I know they'd laugh at me. I want to prove to them that I can live by myself without them checking on me and insulting me in every fucking way. Someday, I'll prove that to them. Someday Im going to have my own house here in the City with my brother and we're going to have our car just like them. And we're going to buy anything we like without them feeling pity on us. And as for you Dad, I know you'll never be proud of me. I just want you to know that I will be working someday and I won't be needing your help just to sustain us. If you only knew how many times I have to try myself, stopping myself to tell you about everything. But I guess, we're not worth listening for. Im not worth listening for. And I hate you for that.
Saturday, September 1, 2012 @ 11:03 PM 0 stares
-gloryszabo
It's been awhile. I know you're tired of listening to my craps and I know Im not suppose to bring things up like this again but I just really want to point this out.
So hey maybe I was too much towards you. The way I feel. Trust. Believe. Expect. Think. Worry. Love. Care. Maybe because I ain't got that kind of loving from anyone every since my Mom died. I felt so special because of you and that affected me a lot. You were the only person that made me feel that way. Now, I feel so embarass for being such a [slave towards what I feel for you.] Sad in almost every way cause I thought you'd be here with me doing this and that. Disappointed cause I don't know what to do next. Bitch cause Im starting to push people away from my life. Started a fight with Cha2 cause she lies all the time. And even mad at everyone. Annoyed. Fucked up. And just not right.
I hate myself for screwing things this bad. For letting myself be placed in this situation AGAIN. For feeling this emotional anxiety everyday. Im fighting everyday for no reason and just get tired and depressed. No, Im not tired of college. Im tired of hiding myself from you. Scared that I'll see you in this hallway and ignore me like what you always do. Leave me crying like mad at school cause you found my blog. Act like you never received any of my texts. Go with edch cause you know that'll make me jealous. Afraid of checking facebook cause there you are so happy and free with your inspired status and pictures of where you guys been having fun. Find every possible way to show me how happy you are and me just devastated and paranoid about everything.
But Im still happy for you. You seem so happy all the time that I wonder if you ever thought about me or even the little promises we said. But hey Im really happy for you. I really do.You got whole new bunch of friends and a family that really loves you.
Im really hoping for US to be friends again, not just some pass-me-by-the-hallway friend. A kind of friend that you USED to be. We used to be...: I really miss you.