Monday, October 26, 2015 @ 1:52 AM 0 stares
I've been jealous before. Even before I got into relationships. I always get jealous towards my brothers who seem to always caught the attention of Mom. I get mad and then cry for that reason and just lock myself up in my own room and never go out. My mom doesn't even bother to comfort me. So I kinda get used to the feeling that my Mom loves her boys than her girl.
The last 2 years where I continously spent my life sharing to someone special, I've experienced a lot of jealousy. Not the lock up room jealousy but that kind that makes you mad and just punch someone right in the face. Growing up with two brothers whom I always get a fight with, I seem to get my own strong punch. Yeah, everybody knows even from high school that I always punch boys whenever they try funny things to me. Though I managed to calm myself, I can't help but try to let it out to someone. I even remembered punching my ex bf when I knew he cheated on me. It was in front of his dorm house. I also had an ex issue with my ex gf a few months ago and for that I tried to punch Janne instead of her. No, I did hit Janne. Janne only laughed at me. They told me that I look cute when I get jealous. But its not. The real me when jealous, cries. I cry a river especially when I know, deep down that I dont deserve to feel that shit.
The saddest part isn’t that with each passing day I feel like I need you more, but it’s the fact that you don’t need me at all.
I get it. You don't really have to show me how pathetic I am in believing everything that happened to us was real. I just can't take in how you shoved right through my face that you're not the person I once thought of. I know I lack experience in this things, but I do believe that RESPECT will always be part of every relationship. In every friendship. But I guess, you just forgot everything. After all, Who am I in the first place? I was always the pathetic one who stays silent in every suspicious thing cause I trusted you so damn much. A whole lot of trust that I don't even give to my very own family. That kind of dependency that as long as I'm with you, everything will be alright.
I know it was all a play for you. I mean who would come right through my face and tell me that Im pretty with my filty braces on and my huge forehead and how awkward my body is. After all those attempts of unanswered calls and texts and for some reason, I opened up to you. As a friend. Though a bit weird, I still find you someone that I can trust with.
I know it was all a play for you. I mean who would come right through my face and tell me that Im pretty with my filty braces on and my huge forehead and how awkward my body is. After all those attempts of unanswered calls and texts and for some reason, I opened up to you. As a friend. Though a bit weird, I still find you someone that I can trust with.
Friday, November 9, 2012 @ 5:56 AM 0 stares
Releasing of Grades
S'okay. I admit I was too paranoid that I didn't even think of failing or passing anything but just get this day done already and face a new day by tomorrow. No one loved that day. Everyone was all tensed and irritated about the outcomes. Though I only had 2 majors, I still find it hard to pass one or two but with all the angels and saints and JC above, I PASSED EVERYTHING even Biochem. Everyone cried and was devastated especially my co-mates who'd been with me for the past 3 sems. They all passed their 3 3rd year subjects but failed on Biochem, the 2nd year subject. Ms. Villanueva is a bitch. She should've passed my mates knowing that another failure from a chemistry subject means another year behind from graduation. My mates are going to still continue this sem but I don't know by next year. Im sure they'll be fine without me by they're side. I believe in them a lot its just that VILLANUEVA IS A BITCH JD LAGE! A few passed and yes, IM SO PROUD OF YOU babe. You have no idea how much I wanted to congratulate you. Im just scared so I just didn't. You congratulated me first for passing everything and I swear that DAY turned out to be the best day of the year. Just the thought of you congratulating me through a text was enough already. I even took it as bday gift from you and yean, im lame. Sorry if Im being too short texts syndrome to you, I hope I can find my guts to open up to you soon and maybe, just maybe hoping you'll find me worth to talk to again. I really miss you but I can't do much anything about it, can I? I just really really miss you.
2nd Home
Right after MTLBE finals, I spent the next days playing basketball at Robert's house, swimming with my oh soo 2nd family and at Mamita's crib. I had the most thinking moments there, even playing basketball was too thoughtful that every shoot was like "Will I pass?". The swimming at a CDU student owned pool was the most relaxing and great time to be alone with Mamita and talk about stuffs. We talked about "Will I Pass?" dilemma and the love thing going around and other funny things just to let time pass us by. We even talked about my exes and how they greatly differentiate each other , the worst thing that happened when I was with them and yes, the sexy times. Mamita laughed about the sexy stuffs, she couldn't believe I did such things. She, at the same time, opened up her past relationships and their sexy times.
Joe's 19th Bop
So this one was really the LIFE! I mean, its always Joe's berfday that we all get to loosen up a little. I was too excited days before. Right after enrollment, where Im on sec G with douche and edch and others on F, i decided to stay 2 nights at Mamita's crib to plan out our surprise gift to Joe. We bought a huge card at Blue Magic and designed it with pictures. We also gave her a mint green cupcake cared of Kikoy. We went to Joe's Crib to make Makis and help as much to anything in the kitchen with tita. I was pretty taken aback by Tita's description on me as a pet lover like her husband. Tito bought a german shepherd and a siberian husky so yeah we pretty went along very well. Joe's parents are the best, they're the most supportive specie of parents around. I also loved the idea that they're fridge was very well fed. I had a great dinner with Mamita and Ross and Sonny, who came along a few minutes late and of course the bday girl. And yes, WE DRINK TIL WE GET HYPED GAME came with a bottle of red wine of Carlo Rossi. I was pretty shocked at first cause, its my first time drinking a red wine but seriously I FIND IT VERY VERY GOOD and I did tried to like not go home first cause I still want to drink the whole bottle with Joe and Sonny who seriously drank, Ross and Mamita who was going "No, Baho siya" attitude again. We also let Joe's bro and his friends join and I think Sonny was all toooo hyped up by the idea of me as the B.I. around. Sonny was drinking half glassy more like having a beer around and not a wine. Sonny was fucked up. haha
Velez College Mess
So, I dont have any idea how to introduce you this thing but its annoying, fucked up and just not worth a time spent. The administration vs the faculty and the students rallying. Thats it. They're just really messy. You might as well forget it. I'll be transferring soooon in CDU if this still continues by the way. I'll be seeing her there. haha :)
Sunday, October 7, 2012 @ 11:33 PM 0 stares
“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
That's the fault of letting people come in your life, they always destroy you in the end. No matter how they promised or even made you feel or think that they'll never do. I don't blame them. Im always not enough for everyone. I was always not enough for my parents. That's why I always make my very best in everything. A honor student at school, trying hard fashionista just to follow her way of clothing, joined ballet classes, attempted to have piano and speech class which I always hated to do, Declarative Contests, became a GSP representative and candidate for pagents [ I hate wearing long gowns and even walk like some duck in front of people], Flores De Mayo princess [ and the make-ups and crown] and Tennis. My passion for dancing was my own choice.
My mom wanted me to be like her. And that's why I tried hard to be near perfect, I guess. She saw me that I can do things on my own, that instinct of doing whats should be done. Self sufficiency, if that's what they call it. I have always been self sufficient. The little girl who never needed help with her assignments and always end up having awards every end of school year. Get rewarded and lauded for the ability to take care of business enough. Ever since we were kids, my mom always left me doing things around. Among us 3, I was the only one who got recognized the most. My 2 brothers are the ones she always help and guide the most. My brother was the black sheep and the youngest was the innocent one who needs to be ALWAYS guided. I honestly think that my little brother was spoiled by my mom. My big brother though was always an attention seeker, he always wanted my mom to take care of him. Leaving me, the only girl in the bunch, to do my own shit and stuff. I never ask her to help me, I always tell myself that she'll be proud of me if I get this right. My mom is always proud of me. I know even though she's gone. But because I’ve never learned to ask for support or attention or help, I’m laughably bad at it now – a time when I could badly use all of them.
My dad, on the other hand, always wanted me to do this, pass that, graduate and work after. He's the type that doesn't care about what you'll feel or if even you're safe in this place. I can't blame him if he's not the father-caring-supportive type. I didn't grew up with him. I remembered how I always got scared whenever he comes back home from overseas and calling me "Inday Hope". I mean, he cheated on my mom before and I think I grew up with that grudge intacted on my mind. I saw my mom suffer a lot because of him and even tried killing herself in front of us just because my dad didn't called one night. Up to now, I still think of my dad that way. The way he spend just for her girlfriend and hangouts with friends. As for us, all he knows is if he gets to pay a low price, that where I will and should be. Nothing more. No presents for christmas and new years. No birthday presents. No buying of random and nonsense stuffs cause we have to save up for college.
I even felt the same way to my relatives back at PL. They always wanted me to do the right thing even though I'm already doing it, they'll still find tiny mistakes to any things I do. Getting home late and can't get inside that's why you have to wait until the gate opens. Sleep with the dog and mosquitoes around in that Veranda cause you don't have any keys for the doors. Can't eat cause you're not early for dinner. Can't go with them in trips cause you are not included in their budget. Always discriminate and accuse you of something you didn't do. Put malicious things just for dating a boy or a girl.
And maybe that's why I tend to be dependent more on people who show me the slightest affection. I depend my happiness on them that once they're gone Im just destroyed. This is the second time around that I feel like shutting myself down from life. Yes, that kind of sadness that falls your hair bald. The first one was quite bearable cause he's plain stupid and I even wonder why I dated him and gave him my first kiss. The second one, is still here. It never went away. It's been 5 months already and I still can't figure out why. She told me that I was more than enough for her.For the first time, I saw a person, who loved me with all that's enough in me but at the same time, refused me without saying enough. And that's how I will always understand, I will never be enough for someone. Not for the first boy I cared, not even to the first girl I truly and madly loved.
Always worthless.
Thursday, September 20, 2012 @ 9:55 AM 0 stares
Yeah, I know I'm being such a clever here. And you must be curious why I had a boyfriend once. Keith was nothing but just first trys. He kinda made me feel the pleasure of lust. Not love. I did felt chasing over him cause its unfair that he'll just cheat on me like that. I know I don't deserve to be cheated especially by someone like him. Fuck that guy. Now, every guy I know even the masculine one, in my mind is ALWAYS GAY. I don't know. It's just maybe, maybe I think that they would be likely look good in a nice shirt with a simple pants and Vans or any men shoes or I just feel I can do much better when I'm in their place.I don't know. I just think that guys are lame this generation.
Maybe this is the reason why I fell so hard for a girl.
Yes. I'm still not over you. And it fucking sucks. I always want to forget everything between the two of us. Its killing me inside.I want you to be here, near me, talk to you in the phone,help you in your majors, go to your place to have pizza with your sister. But Im scared cause I don't know how, when and where should I start. I don't even know what feelings you have left there for me. Do you pity me? Yes, I think you are. I try to be like a normal friend to you but its just stupid, you always make me weak somehow. Fall down on my knees, Tremble with fear. Kill me in seconds flat. You act so calm like you haven't read this blog, like how I really really felt stupid of you leaving me hanging like this. I can hear you laughing at me. Laughing and even proud cause you have another girl to be madly in love over you. That kind of girl that secretly blogs about you and expecting you'll read it somehow, which you have actually suceeded last month, and devastated cause you really don't give a fuck anymore. You'll just have to brag it to everyone. To your new girl, that "Yeah, she's really inlove of me. Maybe she just can't stand me." and " No, she has another someone else. That's why I broke up to her." And again, you're going to be one hell of a charm. Texting me "hey" messages which gives me tremors and idea that you're keeping in touch but hey, that's just your way of messing my mind again. Maybe I was too far flung from you that you think that Im still going to chase over you. Yes, Im going to chase for you. But this time Im tired. You're there, Im here. We're both struggling with our own lives. Maybe you're right" If its meant to be, It will be." Maybe everything is like that. But you know what, I'd really love and maybe even more contented if you just cheated on me with another girl. Tell me that you don't love me anymore. That you hate me for being so attached to you. For being so ignorant about everything. For being such a scaredy gf for meeting your family and even passing by your shop. For liking Edch. For being so honest to you that it made you sick. For depending on you about everything. For believing that we're going to last cause you said that you're gonna graduate soon and they'll never bother anymore. For loving you that bitter much. For loving me. For kissing me that kind of kiss that made me think I was never happy my whole life. For that dog tag, your all signature for your girls.For that feeling of infinity that I really missed. Not the "I don't deserve you." and "If it's meant to be , It will be." Cause that really hurts more than you think.Right there, at that exact hut. You killed me. I was smiling and I did acted calm, but trust me. I was dead numb for the joke that I thought the whole thing was.
This feeling and everything. That's bullshit. I'll just try to understand and accept that LIFE REALLY IS UNFAIR and that I should know and act better cause I'm stronger than this. I know, I am. Not just this time. I don't know when. But for now, Im scared. Troubled. Terrified. I need you.
We passed by each other awhile ago. You calling me "Hi, Hope" cause you know that I get mad when someone's calls me that. I tried to ignore you but I just pushed myself to really hug you, tight with a little squeeze just to release those raging hormones. I didn't look at you, at all. I just walked away. My mind is numb but bliss. As walking in the hallway, I felt a sudden sting in my wrist part. A red line with bleeding end. And that's when I remembered, You held my hand, grabbed it and then left me a scratch. A scratch by your nail penetrating through my skin.
And I guess, this is just US for now. I wish I didn't say yes to you. We could have been still together this time. But because of that "YES", I guess I deserve this pain somehow.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012 @ 5:43 AM 0 stares
Monday morning while walking in the
hallway. At the back of my head, I can still remember how Syvelle and Joe mumbled how hard that test was. How
Cinco could possibly gave such type of exam knowing there are a lot of students
failing because of her exam types . How Syvelle didn’t wrote her answers on the
answer sheet right before time. Joe asking me what the answers are and me being
the genius feeling again. While Cha2 and Ross and me just laughed all our
mistakes.
That’s US. It’s like our usual routine. DISCOURAGE, REGRETS, REMORSE. Still we hope for the best. God knows what’s going to happen for the next few weeks.
Not that Im being such a hypocrite or any exuberantly
confident student with passing grades but really, with all honest, I got into days where I just tell myself that “
Well, I did my best in that exam” and times when I just know
right at point that I lacked effort on
that exam. I will never be shock when I
get low scores when at the first place I already knew Im going to get it. I
mean, Yes I do cry because I don’t want
to fail again, I don’t want others to look small on me and I want to prove to them that though Im already an
Irregular, I can still keep up with my majors and f them off with my passing
scores.
I don’t want to be greater than someone else. I just want to be better
than what I thought myself yesterday. I want to be better by tomorrow and the
next day and the next day. Prove to myself that somehow, Im gonna graduate someday. That Im going to have my
own job and help my brother financially. Buy my grandma with dresses. Buy
groceries with my own money. Shop with any regrets. Go to places. Travel. Have
my own DSLR, My own car and place.
I understand how everyone get so pissed off and then cry at some point in Velez. But Fuck discouragements,
fuck crying and thinking over things that’ll only make you unproductive. Being negative. Self procrastinating. Self-pity cause you didn’t get a passing score and still not doing any
improvements at all. Making excuses as if you’re very proud of doing them. You even do more efforts to your boyfriend
than your own book. You know right ahead that you’ve got to adapt more in
studying cause 3rd year is different. But no, you’re still playing
that stupid game as if that’s going to help you in life, reading those manga
comics like they’re going to be real when you fail, being so busy with your
MU-idk-if-real guy as if I fucking believe you. So calm and dependent cause
everybody else is failing that’s why you’ll just let yourself go with the flow.
For a change, grow up! Stop depending on
your parents, stop believing that you’re gonna be okay because your boyfriend will
be there, stop telling yourself that you’re going to fail. For once, think
about your parents. Think how they work hard just to have you in this
institution and probably hoping that you’ll help them soon when they’re old.
Believe in yourself, do better and be productive. Pray a lot. Smile. Take a
break or a nap. Listen to music. Go somewhere else where you can study. Just go
with your guts.
And hey, Drink some MILKTEA. It’ll make you feel better, PROMISE. C:
Friday, September 14, 2012 @ 8:35 AM 0 stares
So it's already Friday of September 14. And yes, Im not studying because Im sure there's no Exam tomorrow except maybe the post exam for Leukocyte Count. But hey, Im procrastinating again.
Okay, so I just remembered those MOONCAKES at Sister of St. Paul Chartres Medical Center. I've been craving a lot of things these past days. It's weird. I just have this sudden urge to go back that place and just maybe, maybe wander there and just experience those days again when my mom was still alive. I loved that place. I spent my half life there, you know. It was like very peaceful with trees and pretty nurses going around and yes, the Nuns walking like some creepy ghost. It is also the place where I told myself that Im gonna be a doctor someday. That maybe, If I get tired I'll just be a Nun. I also saw a lot of Medtechs there but I don't have any idea they were called such. I always think of them as one of the Nurse category or any sucking bloody job. They were all serious all the time. Walk in patient's room and then go straight to the Lab or vice versa. Yeah, they're cool. I never thought I'll get the same course as them. My course is too cool. lol
Soooooooooooo. Ever since my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I had already got into a lot of hospitals in the city. There's VCMC, Miller Sanitarium and Hospital and Perpetual Succour Hospital.The one I really really missed the most is the Sisters of St. Paul Chartres Medical Center. It's a specialized center for cancers. Not that I love it. I hate it, honestly, cause thats where my mom spent her last days and then died at that exact room, hallway where I cried a sea and the place where my phobia for hospitals even got worse. I just miss it cause I used to walk on those buildings and always think, yes my mom is gonna be okay and that she’ll go home with us again and we can go shopping and watch cinemas and what any normal family does. And yes, Im gonna stop now cause Im going to start crying and it irritates my swollen left eye. Gaah, f late nights.
I also missed that MOONCAKES well they’re actually muffins, I guess, at the canteen. Me and my mom both love those mooncakes and other foods there. We used to buy a lot of foods there even though my mom is not allowed to eat those. She's a hard ass. Like me.
I’ll go back there probably this following days and buy some mooncakes or muffins or whatever.
I MISS YOU MOMMY
I MISS YOU MOMMY
Tuesday, September 4, 2012 @ 11:50 AM 0 stares
Room 207. Yes, its a new place. Internet. New Bed. New study table. New closet. New environment. New people. SAME SHIT. EVEN WORSE than Labangon.
It's been 2 months since I started living here and yes, its different. Different in a way cause unlike in Labangon here it's BORING. Boring cause I don't have persons to talk to, No dogs to play with, Have walls that makes you thought of things, Double deck bed which is so hard to climb and NO FOOD.
Person to Talk To
I mean, Im used to this stuff. I got no one to talk to about everything but there's just empty here. I feel like I don't want to talk to Tats cause he's serious. Tiny talks to me but I don't know if I should trust her in some ways. It's hard when you've got no one to talk to inside a room, you tend to be suicidal sometimes cause you think you're not worth a voice for.
No Dogs to Play with
Im an animal lover. I don't understand how Tiny can look that angelicly good and pretty but hates animals particularly Dogs. In labangon, when Im bored I just go outside and play with KingKong and Sparky. Here, I'll just glance at those dogs at the Cebu Vet and think to myself if I could just go inside and play with those dogs or steal one and bring in here. It'll be great having a dog here, I could really get use some company.
Walls
Well, i slept in a double deck-ed bed and unfortunately on the TOP BED. Its hard to climb these things cause you might step on someone's face or worst woke them up while they're fast asleep. Its hard to go down, too cause it makes metal noises. And yes, Walls. You see mate, I see walls in these room. White walls create a different ambiance to one's mind. So the more you see it, the more you think of deeper thoughts. Like one of those rooms inside a psychiatric ward. White walls and there's bed and then YOU. It makes me feel trap always. Like Im not going anywhere cause you're suppose to stay here, study those ass out, cause you don't have enough money to go out and cause you chose to transfer here rather than staying in your Aunt's house. Making you feel guilty about transferring.
FOOD
This. For the record, I was never the patay gutom type my whole life and I think thats pretty obvious by looks of mine. But somehow when I got here, everything is always HUNGRY. I got to find some place where I can fit my small allowance and at the same time get myself FULL. Its hard to study when your stomach is growling and scratching for FOOD always. I really really wish I can eat a lot these days. Everyone's telling me that Im too skinny which makes me look unhealthy and unattractive.
So by the looks of it, yeah I don't like this place. I don't want to be here. I want to stay somewhere I can really feel at home. Like in Asturias. I miss Labangon. But I can't go back there cause I know they'd laugh at me. I want to prove to them that I can live by myself without them checking on me and insulting me in every fucking way. Someday, I'll prove that to them. Someday Im going to have my own house here in the City with my brother and we're going to have our car just like them. And we're going to buy anything we like without them feeling pity on us. And as for you Dad, I know you'll never be proud of me. I just want you to know that I will be working someday and I won't be needing your help just to sustain us. If you only knew how many times I have to try myself, stopping myself to tell you about everything. But I guess, we're not worth listening for. Im not worth listening for. And I hate you for that.
Saturday, September 1, 2012 @ 11:03 PM 0 stares
-gloryszabo
It's been awhile. I know you're tired of listening to my craps and I know Im not suppose to bring things up like this again but I just really want to point this out.
So hey maybe I was too much towards you. The way I feel. Trust. Believe. Expect. Think. Worry. Love. Care. Maybe because I ain't got that kind of loving from anyone every since my Mom died. I felt so special because of you and that affected me a lot. You were the only person that made me feel that way. Now, I feel so embarass for being such a [slave towards what I feel for you.] Sad in almost every way cause I thought you'd be here with me doing this and that. Disappointed cause I don't know what to do next. Bitch cause Im starting to push people away from my life. Started a fight with Cha2 cause she lies all the time. And even mad at everyone. Annoyed. Fucked up. And just not right.
I hate myself for screwing things this bad. For letting myself be placed in this situation AGAIN. For feeling this emotional anxiety everyday. Im fighting everyday for no reason and just get tired and depressed. No, Im not tired of college. Im tired of hiding myself from you. Scared that I'll see you in this hallway and ignore me like what you always do. Leave me crying like mad at school cause you found my blog. Act like you never received any of my texts. Go with edch cause you know that'll make me jealous. Afraid of checking facebook cause there you are so happy and free with your inspired status and pictures of where you guys been having fun. Find every possible way to show me how happy you are and me just devastated and paranoid about everything.
But Im still happy for you. You seem so happy all the time that I wonder if you ever thought about me or even the little promises we said. But hey Im really happy for you. I really do.You got whole new bunch of friends and a family that really loves you.
Im really hoping for US to be friends again, not just some pass-me-by-the-hallway friend. A kind of friend that you USED to be. We used to be...: I really miss you.
Monday, August 20, 2012 @ 3:02 AM 0 stares
So what if we're both single now?
If nothing else, I hope you know that I love you with every ounce of my being. I hope you realize your important not only to me but to everyone who has been lucky enough to know you. I hope you know that when you're feeling down, I only ever strive for your happiness. I hope you remember that no matter what, Im always here for you and I will be staying for quite a time. And that this will never ever change.
I love you dear! :)))
Friday, August 17, 2012 @ 4:34 AM 0 stares
Third Year Life is damn serious.
Anyways. Funny how time goes fast when you least expect it. Back then, I was all confused on how to deal my life in college and how to graduate. A course where I don't have background with or even dreamt of becoming one someday. Universities like UC, UP and USC were all on the lists. I took entrance exams and God knows how I passed each of it. I passed Veterinary Med at UP but got discouraged by the looks of the school and how my cousins don't want me to study there. I passed both Nursing Entrance Exams in UC and USC and again, cousins got in the way. With all honest, I was only looking up to any course where I got to actually study COLLEGE. I didn't mind everything, I was only following to what cousins told me. And here goes Velez College. The old faced building and the oh so forest look was okay but seriously it scared the hell out of me. There were rooms without fans and yes the EMVM. The place where it all started. The place where we all met.
So yeah VC is the college where most of my cousins graduated but were all NURSES! Take note, NURSES! I never love or even considered the idea of being a nurse cause its already common, dont want to wipe other's butt or even go front to front with people with diseases and take care of them for salary. Nevertheless, I chose MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY. The only Velez course that doesn't have an entrance exam.
So 1st year was a struggle and 2nd year was THE BEST. To cut to the chase, Im now a third year. Yes, the oh so terrored year for all medtech students in Velez. Rows of major subjects for those who are regular and lucky for those irregular ones. But still, same weeks full of struggles, stress and other shitloads. I got few subjects in hand but I still find it hard to pass some exams. I just had my HEMA lec awhile ago and yeah, I know I won't be passing that one either.
Oh well. :'(
Thursday, August 16, 2012 @ 1:30 AM 0 stares
"I know this is random but just thought of letting you know that I missed our late night talks :) Anyway Study Well"
And there goes my HEMA thoughts cracking out of my skull.
That feeling of uncertainty again. Is she telling me that we should talk more often? Oh, she must have missed me? So she still loves me? Yes, that sort of mental breakdown whenever your Ex texts you at the middle of the night while you're seriously studying small font notes in HEMA. Though I admit, Im already numb and had developed my own sense of IDGAF thing for this but I just can't help turning back to that page again, question myself if Im doing the right thing and just go reply to that message
"Oh, I miss those too babe. I really wish we can do those again. Study well, too. ILOVEYOU"
But to my pure whim, I didn't. I only send her a very stupid smiley just to give her her own taste of medicine whenever she doesn't reply to any of my text messages. But hey, I was rambling and cuddling so much to my roommate out of my KILIGNESS to that random message Thursday night.
And yes, that inspired me to study more a few hours later. It made me smile for awhile. And yeah, you still give me that feeling.
Gawd, i miss you.
:)
Thursday, May 24, 2012 @ 10:08 AM 0 stares
Before anything else, I wrote this one out of need to say for my disappointment of people. I have to post my here since my ex is checking my tumblr and J follows me there.
So, its pretty obvious that I had already pointed out my disappointments of my ex-love here. This time, this is all about my best friends way way back BSMT-1F. You see, Janne, Jannine, Vergil and Me are the best of douchebags in the class. I mean, we always study, sit the same row, chit chat, CHEAT *hellyeah*, hangout, eat and laugh together. They're always the one whom I really really trust the most out of all friends I have. But now, somehow, I feel like I can't trust them anymore.
-JanneJanne is my douche. She's a she but she acts boyish all the time and sometimes, Its annoying.But, I love her that way. She's like a sister to me. She's the first L I've ever really really been closed with. What I hate about her now is that she sides more on K rather than hearing my side. She seems not to give a fuck. What hurts is that, she thinks Im all okay with everything. If she really cares, she would help in anything that can solve our relationship *since thats what I have been doing for you and rhea!* not just sit in one corner and let everything fall down. Sometimes, I even think that she's scared to tell me the truth cause maybe she supports K more rather than me, her real best friend. It's just sad that she didn't even asked me what was going on and what she can help to solve and get back things together again. Nevertheless, I know she doesn't want to side on someone.
-JannineJannine is my soulsis. She's in Dumaguete now. She's the one I've always hang on to for everything. I always tell her my problems. She inspires me always with all her gospels and bible phrases. In fact, she was only the one whom I opened how hurt I was of what K did to me. She told me things will be fine and that I can chika her everything when she comes to Cebu. But then here comes....
-VergilVergil is my stalker. He stalked me back when we were 1st year. He chats me at fb in a very weird prof pic. It was weird, he even call me bunny. We quite get along cause we love the same hippy songs and cause we always cheat together during Chem and Physics.
....Vergil & Jannine kinda fell in love. I don't know how a geek like Vergil got Jannine but for some reason, I hated them. They're still dating now and yeah, filthy couples.
Jannine recently came to Cebu last week. Vergil was all that open to us about what his plans when Jannine comes to Cebu. I and Janne were tooo excited that we even saved up money for our soon-to-be hangouts. But Jannine's parents stricted her to go elsewhere except SM. They stayed here for one fucking night and J's plan was only to hangout with her boyfie the whole saturday. So thats why, she sent us this PLEASE-UNDERSTAND-ME message which we replied OH-OKAY, THATS-FINE.. blah blah whatever! Well, as for us, we decided to not give a damn anymore about them and just pool out with Edch and Rhea, Janne's GF, at Villa Teresita.
But we we're hurt. No. Mad rather. She always chats about how she misses us and everything. Even Janne was mad about the whole PLEASE-UNDERSTAND-ME message thing. I was mad as fuck, you have no idea. I mean there's no difference if we can just see her for 3-5 minutes and then walk away, dba? After that you can go all sexy time together. But she thinks we're all fine and that we always have to understand them cause yeah they're special together and we're just ex-cmates who doesn't miss her. I mean, thats so selfish. Now she's back at Dumaguete and we didn't even see her. Me and Janne are now on silent treatment and idk when will this end. But, maybe somehow, we just have to let her know that its not okay to just CHOOSE BOYFIE OVER BESTFRIENDS. She should have understand that since we were all bestfriends at the first place.
So yeah, Im disappointed as fuck. -.-
Wednesday, May 16, 2012 @ 9:16 AM 0 stares
And there are times when I feel like Im just playing around with my feelings. I don’t know but
maybe that’s what this life is all about, always lose special people around
you. People whom you thought will always be there for you, for whom you put your
whole trust to but failed. Honestly, I was hurt. I was bittersweet-ed hurt. That
kind of feeling that even sleep can’t comfort and even smoking cant forget. I’ve always thought that sleep and smoking and
not minding everything else makes me feel better all the time. They always make
me feel better before. But for some reason, they just don’t work out now
anymore. Day by day, I feel like nothing but some useless daughter- friend-sister-granddaughter
to everyone. I try to redirect my
thoughts by keeping in touch with friends but nothings working out. Tried to
hang out but for some reason, they always gave me this excuses. I don’t know
what to do next actually, all I know is that Im going 3rd year. Same
school, same people, same hallways, same classes. Hopefully, different environment
and a place to stay in.
But there’s always something that tells me inside, “Wow, you fell
for the same trap again.” and “You’re generally a mistake.” Im just confused
how all of the sudden just went slapping in my face. Like I don’t even know
what I did and entered into for the past months. All I know is I saw myself
trusting again for the 2nd time but then was disappointed, again.
Being with this person made my 2nd year worthwhile along with people
whom I always consider gifts. I miss that specific person. A person who proved to me that I can do something on my own, that I can trust again, that a mistake
I’ve done before was only a tiny error, that Im not alone, that I have to let go
of my past, that taught me that GOD is always there and that I can also feel being
loved. I know we haven’t talk in awhile and see each other for 2 months
already, and I understand how you can handle everything like this but I just want to let you know that Im always
here. Even though you decided not to talk to me anymore like you always did, I
will always be a good friend and that you will always be in my heart. I miss you and all the stuffs we always talked
about. I do wish you'll talk to me these days.
Friday, May 11, 2012 @ 6:05 AM 0 stares
They always bring me down for no reason. They point out my mistakes instead of the loyalty and respect I gave to them for the past 2 years. Now, don’t start me with those things that I didn’t do just because you heard it from them. If you have problems with me transferring to a dorm cause you think I cant look on my own, cant find any food to fit my small allowance, cant go home early cause Im spending my time dating, cant wash my own clothes and cant clean my space? Well, Im a grown up and yeah, I can wash my clothes, I can clean, I can look on my own THANKS TO YOU and I dont just go drinking and smoking and dating with any of my friends cause I’ve got shitloads to do at Velez. I hope you can understand that Im trying my very best to finish this college stuff and hopefully, not depend on you giving me financially. I do wish sometimes you can be proud of me Daddy.
Thursday, May 10, 2012 @ 6:08 AM 0 stares
Tuesday, April 24, 2012 @ 6:21 AM 0 stares
So, I just spent these past four days at Mamita’s place. Her parents are awesome. Especially Tita Tes, who welcomed me to their home with her high childy voice “HOPIA, FEEL at HOME ha?”. She’s the kind of mom who will never ran out of HYPE. She always in a mood for anything and in fact even invited me for their trip in Butuan next month. Butuan is where Tito Rene came from and yeah the white sand. *zzzsssdddhhhh and VENUS, their hairy pet dog.
I helped at everything actually. I offered myself to dance for the doxology along with Ross, *pretty dancer sister of Ross who has 3 peircings and yeah, mmmoooorrreee pretty than Ross* and Ednah. I Also arranged the giveaways
and the photoshoots with Mami Jaja.
The photoshoot was not that comfortable cause I can’t just tell Mami what to do and what angle should be done. But the pics were nice. Everything was not that organized honestly, Mamita is too slow, I admit. I always had to repeat the same instructions to her twice. I got too annoyed at the fact that she’s too damn scared of telling people what to do esp CHARLES. The tarpaulin layout making was frustrating cause I kept on telling the operator what should be and what shouldn’t. I was roaming at Ayala with brows high cause idk what to react anymore. I just cant scold her. Thanks to Mikee who went crazy dancing and lifting with me at Ayala Grounds and also, treated dinner at KFC. I saw Kyra and others there, *i was about to go hug and kiss Kyra and I think she was, too but I just said a loud HI to her cause I was too damnfuck sweaty and smelly.* And, I was not that organized too, cause I didn’t know what to do. Mamita promised to lend me her Jasmine Yellow costume for her debut thats why I didn’t prepare anything but I ended up with just a skirt and mango sleeveless with heels on and a bunny headband to add up my character. *lololol
Saturday went CUHRAAAZZZY cause mamita and I woke up very late. I still dont have any costume to wear, thanks to Tita Tes who gave me ideas on what to wear. The cake wasn’t ready yet and we’re still not at the venue for Mamita’s makeup and the makeup artist and gaaaaaah.
At first the doxology was a mess, I looked like some escaped scarecrow.
We didn’t get to finish it cause the music stopped. Dinner was delish with the baby back ribs and white pasta and tapioka and anything that ME and JOE can munch on. The ramp around the swirly staircase was cute with Den2x.
The presenting of 18 candles was as usual emotional when it comes to me.
I was the 2nd candle and yeah, I cried at the unusual part. I think it was only me and ate Kotchka cried. Other presentations was great esp the 18 roses where the highlights were Den2x’s speech and Mami jaja’s hug to Dadi EM2x. The dancing of Waka-Waka was stupid.
The musical play of te Kotchka caught me so badly that I just cant help but stare at her while she’s singing. The parent’s speech went well too. Everything went well as planned. It ended so late that we didn’t get a chance to DISCO since its actually included at the program. Overall, it was a sweet success. xoxox
Tuesday, April 17, 2012 @ 6:26 AM 0 stares
So, the original plan was just to watch movies at Faith’s place. Piglet was too eager and excited so yeah, I had to take a bath right after I ate lunch. Took a tricycle towards Balamban. Stopped at the church and waited for Piglet at the benches. While I was waiting for piglet, I saw Vince. But I just looked at the other way cause I dont want to drunk myself. *basin unya msakspan tas kalaki ani ron* FML hahah It took Joy2 *my co-franciscan schoolmate* and Piglet to reach me there for 15 minutes or so, flies were like flying everywhere and god that weather is too hot on my legs. I wore skinnys cause I thought if Im going to pair it with shorts with the sleeveless top, im definitely gonna look like a slut. *slut with no boobs. haha
I actually felt overwhelmed seeing Piglet. I felt like I still got friends still. Friends who’s always be there and not let you feel like hanging. So much for drama, we agreed to ride a tricycle towards Arpili where Faith is residing. We stopped in front of USJR. *that weird school with weird students* We waited for Faith to come and fetch us since we dont know where her house is. Faith was riding a motorcycle when she came and I didn’t quite expected that. *Faith has always been this childhood bff to me. We met at Araneta Learning Center at Grade 3. I remembered we were 7 in that class and it was only me and faith who go quite well with everything. We always tell ourselves that we’re not goin to leave ourselves behind and that were going HS together and so thus college. But things change, we were the academic conflict and she always had to compete me in terms of exam scores and even in the ranks. I didn’t find her a competition, I just really did great on my school works thats why I outranked her and syvelle. Even patrick, our ALWAYS 2nd Honor stud, when I outranked him too. But after graduation, Faith decided to study HS at Toledo and poor me left behind at ALC. Syvelle went to Davao, too. But I transferred to SFA just to be reunited again with Syvelle who transferred at 4th year. So yeah, Faith studied at Velez too so yea thats why we’re reunited again, this time we’re not competing with our grades. The difference this time is that Im the irreg and she’s still REG. * So yeah, I rode with faith and on my back was Piglet on the way to their house. Her mom greeted as warmly and she asked “HOW’S LIFE W/OUT MOMMMY?” and I just answered a weird “haha, okay ra mn tita.”
Faith guided us inside their house which was GREEN at the outside but BLUE on the inside with with AIRCONDITION. *same as kat’s crib” So faith just suddenly shouted at me and told me that why I didn’t told her about my relationship with her cmate. Why now that we broke up just she knew everything. * well duh, i thought kebaw na gd ka!* Then she came up with everything she noticed about my ex and playing around with a particular girl lately. um haha So yeah, they teased me and it was quite awkward at my part cause Joy was there *Joy is piglet’s cuz. I always find her lesby in her ways actually. She always says hi to me the hallway and always compares me to Samantha. Not to mention in fb, duh* But IDGAF actually, I just want to have some fun. Faith’s idea came up and decided to go to Casili with her Kuys *Kuys that are actually the same age as us but were a lot taller. They were noisy but because they’re goin to drive us so hey I HAVE TO COOPERATE* We went on this hill parts with just motorcycle’s on. I admit it was scorching hot but seeing all those green pastures felt so summery and refreshing. Seeing cows and goats around and springs.
Casili is this underground river outlet at Arpili. The fresh water emerges from the mouth of a cave system which is very deep and wide underneath. So far sa mga dives nila sa mga underwater caves mao daw ni ang pinaka lawom. Pag flashlight nila sa mga kilid daw makita nila ang walls as if walay tubig kay crystal clear ang tubig but there are some areas nga inig flashlight nila mura ug endless abyss daw. The volume of freshwater is very big so water distracts you can tap this. But who cares, we’re only goin to watch it and we didn’t brought suits for swimming so yeah we’re SUPPOSED to watch ONLY. But sa akong ka kiat, I just went on the waters and just wet my skinny just to feel the waters but I ended up swimming cause idk the water was cold and there were kids swimming around and i kinda felt like swimming, too. Faith came in and so thus piglet. We didn’t remove any clothings FTW haha. We jumped and swim like idiots there esp ME I was like this mad girl who’s wearing a floaty top with bra coming out and a skinny. *picture me out? haha I enjoyed jumping from that big stone nearby cause the water just grabs you underneath right after you jump. It felt cool and refreshing on the way back when you’re gasping for air. I felt good, really.
Sunday, April 15, 2012 @ 6:28 AM 0 stares
Friday
Friday morning went quite well. Woke up early cause I have to pack an undie since I dont have undies left at labangon. Took a bath and did some personal grooming [ I found my brown water-proof eyeliner btw. So i slid some of it on my eyes. It took me 3 times to really do the curve thing on my eyes until I got it perfectly right.] cause I thought friends would go pizza with me but *BUMMER* they didn’t. Waited for a v-hire at dust-blowing-everywhere road. Stupid mayor, they shouldn’t take that forever to repair this fuckin roads! They left dust everywhere and its irritating. Its like having DUST FOGS in the middle of the day. Finally, find one v-hire, took the back seat since it’s hard to fit in with the occupied ones.
Arrived at Ayala. Took a taxi to the clinic at Englis where Dok Joy is waiting *PATIENTLY since our appointment is at 1 and hey its already 2. haha But she welcomed us good inside the clinic. BADUM DUM* She took off my damn braces and god it felt really weird at first. I was actually sad cause I know that braces has some history and I had them on during my first to EVERYTHING. *fffffff Talked a bit about my retainers and why should I put them. I didn’t quite get everything she said cause IM TOO HUNGRY to listen to her craps. A few minutes later, i find myself running to Jolibee to eat lunch. I ate 2 sundaes and yeah, GLUTTONY again.
Took a 12L towards labangon. Stopped at Gaisano Tisa to let Rigel have his cut and me nails PEDICURED. *from frozen yellow, its now neon cherry pink* The salon was near the arcade and I just can’t help remember someone I used to play there. *just sad* IMY Katskins! :)* Went to Auntie’s house for dinner, played with Sparky for a bit since I really really missed that labrador and KingKog, too. * im gonna miss them esp when Im going to start terjer without them* and then went to sleep after. Got tired from that city heat.
Saturday
Saturday Morning was cold. I forgot Im in Bianca’s room where its always AIR-CONDITIONED. Played again with SPARKY and KingKong since everyone’s still asleep. Took bath and then woke up Rigel cause its time to go. We ate at Tapsilogan for breakfast since I haven’t tried anything there. Took a cab towards the clinic again cause Im such a lazy ass and just not in the mood to ride jeepneys. Bought some shades from some random man since I need to and cause I want to. And the heat is just nuts. Arrived at the clinic, waited for 2 hours just to have my retainers inside my mouth again. It tasted bad actually. I felt puking but decided not to cause thats disgusting. Took a cab to a clinic at SM just to have my X-rays. *Okay, this X-Ray Machine stuff is STUPID. They have to like force this disgusting film into your mouth and just push it on your salivary glands or idk what that part is but it sure did flood my mouth with salivas. *ew** She did it twice since the first one failed. So yeah, it was total flooding in my mouth. Went to that nearby mall just to see Dok Joel who’s going to pull my molars out. He greeted me and told me that I actually look thinner. *anorexia FTW haha He looked at the x-rays and decided not to pull my molars since its not ready yet or idk. But hey, they’re not going to stitch my gums thats cool, at least no puffy face, no pain relievers, no SOUP DIET and yeah NO STITCHES. *Stitches I mean the threads that they’ll be stitching in my gums, actual threads.* Hurray :’))
The APM mall has lots of good stuffs actually and I kinda bought one blouse. Yeah, just one. :”( Took a jeepney towards Ayala but went to IT Park instead. Stupid jeepney. I was quite astonished of the koreans there, they have their huge DSLRs and gosh If I could just have one. Ate lunch at KFC with Fiesta Pasta shizzz and a mash potato. Went to the nearby Krispy Kreme and bought a dozen for Mama. And now, a cab towards PUV Terminal at Ayala.
While I was at the v-hire already, a feeling of sadness just came in. People change, memories stay the same. Friends. Hangouts. Imissyousomuch.
Arrived at home, took a dip at the beach. It has waves coming in so yeah I had to swim. It took me only 10 minutes and then went home, bed. Dinner. Ate Halo-Halo with Liz. Watched pbb for awhile and then BED.
Friday, April 6, 2012 @ 6:10 AM 0 stares
So, I woke up at around 10 am because I slept 3 am watching videos which kinda left me crying like mad for idk hours. Just really annoyed when Naomi left Emily before summer vacation. and yeah its freaking fucking annoying as FFFFUUCCCCK! k. fuck
Ate corned beef for breakfast and listened to some new songs i’ve downloaded some nights ago. Seriously, I goota have lively music everyday so this body can stretch sometimes.
Lunch, then listened to musics at bed AGAIN and then fell asleep. Rigel woke me up for mass. I forced him to not join the acolytes since I dont wanna go mass alone. I didn’t took a bath cause its already 4 and gosh who knows when that mass will start with that bipolar priest. I decided to wear my skinnys and loose tee with matching havai. And that dogtag. yeah, that dogtag.
Arrived at church but stayed outside cause I saw Gio. Gio is my childhood friend, live near our block and graduated from Araneta. *Araneta Learning Center is where I graduated grade school and studied my 1st and 2nd HS years. 3rd and 4th at Saint Francis Academy and yeah where all bullshits happened.* We talked and talked and gosh I forgot I’ve never talked to Gio for like so many years already. His mom and mine are great DMI sisters and that quite made us close, too.
I went looking for my highschool barkadas but failed. I was hoping to see Ayn Rand so that I can hangout these days but again, failed. Syvelle too, whose going to celebrate her 19th this Tuesday and I dont know what to give to her. Im so broke at the moment.
Mass ended. Patay gutom mn ko so, I bought Tempura which me and Patrick, a childhood gay as in gayish boyfie of mine, shared. We quite had weird experiences with Patrick since his dad would always tease me to him. But I guess, he probably know why me and Patrick didn’t work out. It was me and Patrick who transferred at the same year at SFA but unfortunately he was placed in Sec B and I, on A. I actually envy his butt awhile ago. I mean he used to be this skinny gay who’s always clumsy and loves to sing. Idk what happened to him but he’s a fat-ass now.
Bought some nail polish “neon amarillo” char and colorless one. Annndd, painted my nails again with frozen purple. Puffed a bit at the veranda while waiting for that reply. *imissyou* AMAW! Called faye cause imiissher but seem occupied, too. Texted dearie but was on an BISITA IGLESIA.
And, still waiting for the reply. :|